No one ever tells you how hard being an adult really is

Today is just one of those days where there is nothing I can do that is going to be right or good enough.

Today is one of those days when the only thing worth doing is to lie quietly in bed and watch the rain fall softly down on your windows.

I've been thinking a lot lately about all the things I've wanted to do and how lately, I've been too afraid to try anything or to take a risk. It's so easy for me to advise someone else to take the plunge and to quit being so scared, but when it comes down to applying that in my own life, I shy away from the edge of the cliff and retreat into the safer corners where Risk and Excitement do not dwell.

I dont understand why or how it happened so suddenly, but at this very moment, there is nothing I desire more than to quit my job, pack my bags and get on the first flight out of here.

I think it started with a fight I had with my new graphic designer and the head of the graphics department. When I first joined the company, my boss bullied me terribly. But when I was finally able to look past all those unkind words and bullying, I realised that I had learnt a lot from it. Everything I had learnt enabled me to really build a magazine that is something to be proud of. But today, with a new graphics designer that is selfish, immature, and lazy, I find that everything I've worked hard to build is now in jeopardy of turning into rubbish.

I felt myself getting angry and resentful, sometimes even loathing the head of the graphics department, but then stopped to ask myself what was the point. From being angry and unhappy, I've become numb and silent; preferring to bottle it in rather than talk it out. Whats the point of talking it out, I keep asking myself, if nobody wants to hear or to understand what I've got to say?

I truly feel that this is what triggered a desire to leave; to pick myself up from under all this mess and to finally move on. What makes it so terribly hard is that I've become so comfortable in this unjust situation. I find it easier to keep silent and to allow myself to be manipulated and bullied than to stand up and defend myself. If this isnt a sure sign that I am losing myself just to stay in a stable and safe place, then I dont know what is.

However, I think its time to do something about my situation. I fear that I will become just like Will Turner's father in Pirates of the Caribbean... Buried so deeply and almost living as a part of the ship that breaking away to be free is impossible because the ship keeps pulling you back and binding you tighter than ever.

I dont want to be like the head of the graphics department. She's so tightly bound up in fear and emotions that she'll never get anywhere until she breaks free.

I thought I'd wait a little while longer till the New Year arrives. And then perhaps its time to dust off my resume and start looking for something better. If I am going to hit my targets by 30, a mere 7 years away, then I should start somewhere and I should start soon, should I not?