Its not me, its you.

Sometimes, when I reflect back on everything that has happened in the last year, I frequently ask myself if I really had no blame in any of the things that went wrong.

How sure am I that my work was really good? Is it possible for me to guarantee that I was truly blameless in the events that transpired? While I had no control over the root cause of the problem, I did have some measure of control over the events that happened after. Did I really, to the best of my abilities, do my best to ensure that there were no flaws at which management could pick on?

I’ve stopped communicating with them because they don't want to listen to my ideas or explanations. I mean, just because something sounds really good on paper doesn't mean that it will work just as well in reality. Could my refusal to open communication lines with them be the reason why I always find myself in situations that are terribly suffocating and demoralising? Perhaps, it’s my own stubborn manner that helps lay the foundations for the situations that could be avoided.

They’re not entirely blameless in this either though. They’ve been unfair and quick to assign blame and guilt in matters that blossomed from their own actions. While money is brought in with good materials, money is also brought in from good exposure and being willing to promote the magazine. If its suffered six years’ worth of neglect, then I cant possibly be the reason why the magazine isn’t entirely profitable. How is it that I am the sole reason why the magazine has been operating at a loss for six years? Six years ago, I was in school, being a pain and attempting to figure out Additional Math.

I’ve endured humiliation, threats and insults at the hand of a nasty old man who pretends to be understanding where there are several pairs of eyes to claim witness. Inside his office, he’s lashed out at me, calling me unkind names and claiming that I am a dispensable employee, who isn’t resourceful enough to make the magazine work. In reality, I’m the one that's brought some big stories to the table. I’m the one who’s brought nearly 500 pages to the table since I was first hired. No one taught me how to do anything. I just did it.

And yet, here we are today. I’m still sitting at a desk where my biggest achievement to date is the fact that no one has let my sorry ass go in favour of a cheaper puppet who will do exactly as asked. But for how long will this last?

Now that is the real question. ☺