Painted In With Nothing But Black

Morning dreams

2010-12-08T09:39:00.003+08:00

I dreamt about my mother's funeral early this morning. I'm not quite sure what triggered it, or how it all began, but one of the few things I remember distinctly about it was that her sisters came over to pick a fight about how they were not informed about her death. I then politely mentioned that if they would like to pay their last respects in peace, then they were welcome to do so, but if they had come for a fight, they could leave because I wasnt interested in arguing or listening to excuses.

How many people will there be at the funeral?

It's an old wives' tale that morning dreams are the ones that will most probably turn out to be true events in real life, which makes me wonder whether this is going to really happen at my mother's funeral. Her passing is inevitable, as death comes to all things that live. But what will life be like once she's gone?

My heart and head predict that the family will drift apart, even more so once both my parents are gone. I dont know if I can find enough energy to care enough if the family never speaks again.

Is this wrong? Should I care more? Or should I wait to see what comes to pass before I make my decisions?

No one ever tells you how hard being an adult really is

2010-11-09T10:12:00.004+08:00

Today is just one of those days where there is nothing I can do that is going to be right or good enough.

Today is one of those days when the only thing worth doing is to lie quietly in bed and watch the rain fall softly down on your windows.

I've been thinking a lot lately about all the things I've wanted to do and how lately, I've been too afraid to try anything or to take a risk. It's so easy for me to advise someone else to take the plunge and to quit being so scared, but when it comes down to applying that in my own life, I shy away from the edge of the cliff and retreat into the safer corners where Risk and Excitement do not dwell.

I dont understand why or how it happened so suddenly, but at this very moment, there is nothing I desire more than to quit my job, pack my bags and get on the first flight out of here.

I think it started with a fight I had with my new graphic designer and the head of the graphics department. When I first joined the company, my boss bullied me terribly. But when I was finally able to look past all those unkind words and bullying, I realised that I had learnt a lot from it. Everything I had learnt enabled me to really build a magazine that is something to be proud of. But today, with a new graphics designer that is selfish, immature, and lazy, I find that everything I've worked hard to build is now in jeopardy of turning into rubbish.

I felt myself getting angry and resentful, sometimes even loathing the head of the graphics department, but then stopped to ask myself what was the point. From being angry and unhappy, I've become numb and silent; preferring to bottle it in rather than talk it out. Whats the point of talking it out, I keep asking myself, if nobody wants to hear or to understand what I've got to say?

I truly feel that this is what triggered a desire to leave; to pick myself up from under all this mess and to finally move on. What makes it so terribly hard is that I've become so comfortable in this unjust situation. I find it easier to keep silent and to allow myself to be manipulated and bullied than to stand up and defend myself. If this isnt a sure sign that I am losing myself just to stay in a stable and safe place, then I dont know what is.

However, I think its time to do something about my situation. I fear that I will become just like Will Turner's father in Pirates of the Caribbean... Buried so deeply and almost living as a part of the ship that breaking away to be free is impossible because the ship keeps pulling you back and binding you tighter than ever.

I dont want to be like the head of the graphics department. She's so tightly bound up in fear and emotions that she'll never get anywhere until she breaks free.

I thought I'd wait a little while longer till the New Year arrives. And then perhaps its time to dust off my resume and start looking for something better. If I am going to hit my targets by 30, a mere 7 years away, then I should start somewhere and I should start soon, should I not?

Haiya!

2010-04-22T15:44:00.002+08:00

After years of searching, I've finally found a place that offers legit Krav Maga classes! Right here in Singapore near my old apartment.

I am so excited and yet so terrified to give it a whirl.

I cant wait for July to come so I can start classes! Wheeeeee!

Stressing over nothing. Or is it really nothing?

2010-04-20T23:49:00.002+08:00

I think I'm paranoid.

No, scratch that.

I KNOW I'm paranoid.

I used to diss people who worried about weight and looks and their lifestyle....but as the clock ticks away the days to my 23rd year of existence, I think I am slowly beginning to be just like the people I used to diss.

Its just like school, except that its a whole different playground altogether.

Everyone's rushing to get A's in financial, career and material achievements.

Its overwhelming, especially when I barely know where to begin.

I'd say I'm scraping C's at the moment...and who doesnt want an A right?

Blergh.

I think I'll check out what the old sack has for me tonight. Sleep is definitely more productive than trying to ponder the whats and the whys of my life.

Tattoos and holidays!

2009-09-15T20:33:00.000+08:00

So, my holiday tickets are booked and the hotel is half paid for. I am so excited to go!

I'm getting a new tattoo done as well and I've been looking for the perfect word to accompany my little girly picture. WHOOO!

Excited!!

One goes on permanent leave

2009-08-31T21:39:00.000+08:00

Rbcc resigned today and I think she got lucky to be able to leave on her own terms.

As much as I am going to miss her wacky support, I feel just a bit glad that she has finally managed to free herself from the oppressors otherwise known as Management.

Now if only the fantabulous 7 were just as lucky, we'd all be somewhere between Contentment and Paradise.

Secrets of the week

2009-08-11T00:27:00.002+08:00

Taken off PostSecret

*~And maybe I'm crazy
But I just can't slow down
And maybe I'm crazy
But at least I'm still around~*

Its not me, its you.

2009-08-04T11:14:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, when I reflect back on everything that has happened in the last year, I frequently ask myself if I really had no blame in any of the things that went wrong.

How sure am I that my work was really good? Is it possible for me to guarantee that I was truly blameless in the events that transpired? While I had no control over the root cause of the problem, I did have some measure of control over the events that happened after. Did I really, to the best of my abilities, do my best to ensure that there were no flaws at which management could pick on?

I’ve stopped communicating with them because they don't want to listen to my ideas or explanations. I mean, just because something sounds really good on paper doesn't mean that it will work just as well in reality. Could my refusal to open communication lines with them be the reason why I always find myself in situations that are terribly suffocating and demoralising? Perhaps, it’s my own stubborn manner that helps lay the foundations for the situations that could be avoided.

They’re not entirely blameless in this either though. They’ve been unfair and quick to assign blame and guilt in matters that blossomed from their own actions. While money is brought in with good materials, money is also brought in from good exposure and being willing to promote the magazine. If its suffered six years’ worth of neglect, then I cant possibly be the reason why the magazine isn’t entirely profitable. How is it that I am the sole reason why the magazine has been operating at a loss for six years? Six years ago, I was in school, being a pain and attempting to figure out Additional Math.

I’ve endured humiliation, threats and insults at the hand of a nasty old man who pretends to be understanding where there are several pairs of eyes to claim witness. Inside his office, he’s lashed out at me, calling me unkind names and claiming that I am a dispensable employee, who isn’t resourceful enough to make the magazine work. In reality, I’m the one that's brought some big stories to the table. I’m the one who’s brought nearly 500 pages to the table since I was first hired. No one taught me how to do anything. I just did it.

And yet, here we are today. I’m still sitting at a desk where my biggest achievement to date is the fact that no one has let my sorry ass go in favour of a cheaper puppet who will do exactly as asked. But for how long will this last?

Now that is the real question. ☺

T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D.

2009-08-02T14:11:00.005+08:00

It was my turn to get screwed over on Friday by my boss's eldest, hereafter known as Tony Two-Face.

Everything that I proposed in the yearly editorial meeting was flung out the window, while Fruitcake, who refused to attend the meeting, demanded that the yearly media kit be arranged according to his liking. So once again, I was on the receiving end, caught off guard and wondering when I mentioned that this format was acceptable.

Do my ideas count for nothing?

It really peeves me because barely three weeks ago, Fruitcake essentially asked me to man up and be a contributor who is passionate about the magazine. He told me not be "an order-taker". What strikes me as stupid is that when I do step up to the plate to pick a format that flows, I am subtly told to step down and shut up and to not bother trying.

What do they want me to be? Do they want me to be passionate about making this work? Or are they merely attempting to attach strings on me so that I follow every command and whim?

Anyways, on Friday, Tony Two-Face got Fruitcake involved in an editorial disagreement...and I feel terrified of stepping into the office again. Everytime I think about what I must face this week, I find it hard to breathe and I feel that perhaps its better if I just resign now. It is within Fruitcake's office that I have tolerated his insults and his threats. I have tolerated his stupidity and his biased behaviour. I have tolerated his name-calling and his refusal to listen to my ideas and explanations. Not once have I ever defended myself and yet, he never seems to stop.

I feel that if he insults me one more time after Friday's little incident, I am going to put him in his place. I am going to be firm and stand my ground and I am going to politely ask him to check himself before contradicting his own arguments.

But then again, at what expense does my defense come attached to?

And then I have to ask myself a million dollar question: Is it really worth telling Fruitcake off for ten minutes of satisfaction?

Sigh.

*~I'm empty, lonely, and accused
Accused without a word
My fingernails are chipping down
From clawing in the dirt
I'm so lost, lost and confused
I threw it all away
How can I be beautiful
When I am so afraid~*

Rain and good music combined = WHOO!

2009-07-22T22:55:00.002+08:00

Its been a very long time since I looked for some great music to unwind to. I've had the same songs for over a year, with one or two fresh purchases, but overall, its been a slow year. Sometimes, I feel work saps so much of my energy that I just cant bring myself to sift slowly through the crap for something jaw-dropping.

Today being a lazy Sunday, I found enough energy and time to really sift and I found some wonderful music. WHY do I always find such awesome bands long after they've dropped off the radar or have disbanded? Its so unfortunate.

My current new music obsession is Mad with Gravity. I LOVE THEM. Again, note my luck. They disbanded six years ago after one consistently good album. Its a shame really.

Anyways, back to music sifting.

Prisoner of Words (Unsaid)

2009-07-13T09:59:00.003+08:00

I'm a prisoner of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings locked away in my head
I trap myself further every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak but I stop and stay silent
And now I've made my own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid

I am a P.O.W.
Not a prisoner of war
A prisoner of words
Like a soldier
I'm a fighter
Yet only a puppet

Mostly I only say what you want to hear
Could you take it if I came clear?
Or would you rather see me
Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise
M.I.A.
I guess that's what I am
Scraping this cold earth
For a piece of myself
For peace in myself

It'd be easier if you put me in jail
If you locked me away, I'd have someone to blame
But these bars of steel are of my making
They surround my mind and have me shaking
My hands are cuffed behind my back

I'm a prisoner of the worst kind, in fact
A prisoner of compromise
A prisoner of compassion
A prisoner of kindness
A prisoner of expectation
A prisoner of my youth
Run too fast to be old
I've forgotten what I was told
Ain't I a sight to behold?

A prisoner of age dying to be young
To my head is my hand with a gun
And it's cold and it's hard
Cause there's nowhere to run
When you've caged yourself by holding your tongue

I'm a prisoner of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings locked away in my head
It's like solitary confinement every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak but I stop and stay silent
And now I've made my own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid

*~Alicia Keys, Def Poetry Jam*~

Forgetting the pen

2009-07-09T12:15:00.004+08:00

I went for an editing test today. Besides meeting this totally freaky and over-enthusiastic woman, it went well. I think its very shameful because I had forgotten how to hold a pen. This is what happens when you're stuck to the computer all day long and you use a keyboard to express yourself. :)

My handwriting was so horrible and I really do pity the person who has to vet through my work. He will need patience and a magnifying glass. However, I think I did pretty decently and can only keep my fingers crossed at this point of time.

:)

My only mission for this weekend is to relax and to catch up on sleep, while I watch DVDs and consume copious amounts of ice cold Coke.

JOY.

The last Secret I'm wasting on you

2009-07-06T01:17:00.004+08:00

Taken off Postsecret.

*~Sickened in the sun
You dare tell me you love me
But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die~*

Meeellllttttiiiinnnngggg

2009-07-02T12:05:00.009+08:00

Its been an absolutely horrible week at work and I've never done so much paper pushing in just one damn day!

Just look at this....And this was only one side of my desk yesterday.

This was my desk after almost seven hours.

96 pages of editing and arranging. After completing those, I filed it all away for corrections and new uploads.

More work coming my way next week.

Boo.

Sullen and bored the kids stay

2009-06-28T23:25:00.006+08:00

I dont understand why I feel so guilty for being honest with you. I know you probably didnt mean anything bad by it and your intentions were nice, but it rubbed me the wrong way. I thought I should be honest with you. So why do I feel so shitty then?

I appreciate what you wanted to do but since this has never been a special day for me, I have stopped expecting anything for it. I really dont care about it anymore. So really, its alright if you dont really feel like doing anything. I dont expect you to.

So please dont misunderstand me when I questioned you today. I'm not used to such attention on my birthday and I really dont expect it from anyone.

Thank you so much because it really does mean a lot but I still maintain that you dont have to do anything for me.

*~I dont really know
If I care what is normal
And I'm not really sure
If the pills I've been taking are helping
I've wasted my life
Hurting inside
I dont really know
And I'm not really sure~*

Porcupine tree and the past

2009-06-28T00:11:00.006+08:00

A whole year, and my feelings havent changed. Although it still stings a little to hear your name dropped in passing, and even worse to hear someone reminisce about you and me, I'm glad to be free.

This is how it stays. I dont want you. I dont want them.

Not even when you realise how wrong you really are.

*******
I LOVE SENTIMENTAL BY PORCUPINE TREE!!!! They make such amazing music. Why do I always find the most amazing bands YEARS after they have formed or have disbanded!

Chopping it all off!

2009-06-25T23:50:00.004+08:00

After months and months of whining about my hair, I finally got it cut today! Followed the office chicks to Tekka and while they got their eyebrows done, I got my locks chopped off. Arabella kept saying that my locks, which were lying all over the floor, were the exact shape of baby bangles. I didnt have time to take pictures though. My hair is so short and I've got a big head of curls but I think it will look slightly better in two weeks time. My head feels so light and I can swish my hair about without it starting to look like Attila the Hun. I think I look several years younger now heheheh.

I took a page out of Siedne's book and was watching the hairdresser like a hawk. A little snip wrong and I kept reminding her about what I wanted. I liked the fact that she didnt blow my hair out straight. She blowdried it normally and I got to see what my hair would REALLY look like in the morning. Its a wee bit shorter than what I wanted but ah whatever. It'll grow back in a few weeks. My hair is never obedient for long.

I cant wait for it to grow out again though. Maybe next time, I'll try something different...but nothing too radical of course. I'm not adventurous when it comes to hair.

Talked and laughed it out over dinner with the girls. Finally got to eat thosai again but it was disappointingly cold and it wasnt very nice. However, the food wasnt the clincher. The company was. It was really nice to catch up and laugh. I enjoyed it immensely.

Another outing ladies???

:)

WHEEEEE!

Trimming Rot and Acceptance

2009-06-21T21:46:00.005+08:00

Another illuminating weekend has just passed me by. My mother finally has come to terms with my stand on getting married..and she said I should save as much as I could if I intend to be single permanently. I couldnt help but laugh honestly. Thank you for small miracles. An understanding mother, albeit a disappointed one, is just perfect. She seems resigned that I am not going to stick my neck out so someone can string chains around it.

Call me whatever you will, but marriage is not for me.

****
I think for the first time in many years, I'm truly seeing how fake you really are. Behind your sugar coated words and fake understanding, you're too busy screwing me over for your own benefit. I dont know why it took me so long to act on it, but I think its time I cut you out as well. The more I trim my rotten tree branches, the more I find how infected I've really become over the years.

Disinfecting time...and you are the first branch to go.

Also, no more hiding from the stalkerettes. I'm done. Good luck finding anything incriminating to nail my ass with.

*~Followed the piper's sweet whistling
Guided down the path by the wrong hand
Close my eyes for the chance of a better view
Plug my ears so I couldnt hear you~*

Divorce papers for two please?

2009-06-08T00:49:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why women are so afraid to walk away from their husbands when they know there is nothing left to fix. I am sad to say that, for now, my mother is one of those women. For all the emotional abuse she puts up with, she should've walked away a long time ago. There's only so much mindfucking a person can take before they lose it. I suppose my weekend enlightened me to how serious my parents' marital problems are. Walking out on him will mean that my dad will cut us all off entirely but I'm hoping someday she will fully realise that we dont want his money.

I found myself thinking wistfully about how wonderful it would be if they would just file for divorce. I know I'd stop being stuck in the middle. I know I wouldnt have to be torn when dividing my love and attention between the two of them. If they would just separate at least and live under different roofs, I know my life would be so much easier.

Its selfish to think about their marriage in that way, but its so hard and so unfair to place your child in the middle and expect him or her to navigate the waters and try to keep the peace. I owe it to one parent to help soothe her broken heart and I owe it to another to try and understand what is going on between those stormy, cold eyes.

And somehow, something tells me that walking out is the only way to put a stop to everything. Its obvious to all of us that he doesnt want her around, and if he doesnt, then I'll step in.

I'd like to believe that it will be easy to solve this problem, but I fear that there is no solution to it. I cannot help him if he wont even help himself to begin with. If only you could see my mother's silent scream for aid thats hidden quietly beneath her twinkling eyes and hearty laughter, you'd understand.

She did say that she'd know when to walk. After all, if she's walked out on her own sisters after they royally screwed her over, then she can surely leave a man that does not deserve her love.

I then started thinking if I'd had enough courage to walk if I were in her shoes....and I dont know if its a good thing that I knew the answer almost immediately without any thought. I could never put up with the treatment that my mother puts up with. And yet, the only person I have to thank for my self-respect, dignity and courage..ironically, is my mother.

Sigh.

Please dad. Serve mum with divorce papers so we can all move on.

Signed,

Your daughter.

::EDIT::

You know, sometimes you give it your all and the people around you are just so selfish to notice that my life does not revolve around you. I'm stretched out so thin, like butter scraped over too much bread (Thanks Mr Tolkien!) and yet, the only thing you can do is think about yourself. I've put myself on a limb for you. I've defended you when everyone had nothing nice to say about you. I've been here. I've always been here. You've just never bothered to notice that I actually give a damn...because the only person you are thinking of is yourself.

You take and take and you keep on taking until all I've got left is dry dust. And yet, you will never stop. Why? Because you will never learn.

*~Dont try to fix me
I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie
Living for you so you can hide~*

Delusion with the Olympians

2009-06-05T17:30:00.003+08:00

I've been in a Rick Riordan frenzy in the past three weeks because I've recently discovered his Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, which revolves around the demi-gods at Camp Half Blood. The hero is called Percy Jackson and the books tell of how Percy and his little group of friends fight mythological Greek monsters and essentially fight for the survival of the Mount Olympus and the Greek Gods.

Its a fascinating read and I had difficulty putting the books down. Its really teen fiction...but I cant help myself. I cant wait to read the last book in the series. I am going to buy it next week, even if it means I have to starve a little.

Obsession much?

****************
http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking%2BNews/World/Story/STIStory_385883.html?vgnmr=1

The pilot says that he saw an "intense flash of white light" around the area where the Air France Flight 447 went down.

Couldnt have been an explosion since there was no smoke, no fire and no frenzied call for aid. What happened I wonder?

Its my time to breathe

2009-06-02T10:00:00.018+08:00

*~Taken off PostSecret.~*

As curious as I am to know why she's ignoring me, another part of me cant really be bothered. I cant force her to be my friend and I'm certainly not going to get on my knees and apologize profusely when I havent done anything wrong.

I will never beg for friendship again as much as stings. After all, its her choice and I can no more influence her decisions any more than I can change the weather. Its her loss and I dont need her to validate my existence anyway.

Ah well. Shit happens.

On a happier note, my parents are going to Indonesia for some pilgrimage thing during my birthday. I asked them to go because if I'd wanted to take them, it would take me a few more years to save. I'll get to sleep in on my birthday and that alone is a happy happy thought! MWAHAHHA. Sister Lunacy's having her birthday party on mine so I still get to have fun with the people that matter. Cant wait!

*~Just because I'm losing
Doesnt mean I'm lost~*

Escape

2009-05-30T10:25:00.003+08:00

I'm looking for salvation
A place where I can find peace
I don't know so I turn to you
So many complications
Everyday is something
I'm so confused

Escape from my mind.
Escape from my life
Escape anywhere
Escape far away from here

I'm losing all my patience
It's so hard to resist it
You don't know what I'm going through
No more hesitation
Some things are so enticing
I know what I have to do

Half the time I can't live my own life
Truth be told I am fading away
How can I walk where I fit in?
So unsure,
What am I going to do?

Escape from my mind
Escape from my life
Escape anywhere
Escape far away from here

Sometimes I need seclusion from here
There's a place inside me holding me down
I need to find a place where no one else is
Far away from everything that I know

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I think that best sums up my mood today.

Old and new inside the same shoe

2009-05-15T11:42:00.004+08:00

I think everyone has a "what-if" moment at some point of their life. While it is not crippling, it is infuriating, because it reveals the fact that on some level, you arent entirely satisfied with where you are currently placed.

What if I'd taken a different college opportunity?

What if I'd never let them into my life?

What if I'd been more courageous to tell my boss what I exactly I think of him?

What if I were afraid of living through my mistakes?

****

I was reading through my old chat transcripts, diaries and sifting through some old things last night and I realise how much I've grown in the past eight years. Looking back, perhaps things werent as bad as I had made them out to be. But then, with age brings wisdom (or at least new knowledge and experience) and I am no longer the same person that I was eight years ago.

I threw out some old mementos and birthday cards from people I no longer speak to or people who are no longer around. Its never a good thing to hold on to the past. Rinse, leave and let go.

I was also reading through some old college assignments and written papers and I found myself laughing out loud at quite a few sentences. My style of writing in college was so pretentious! You can almost feel the excessive "confidence" seeping through the printed words and tugging gently at your eyeballs. Ridiculous really.

On a final note of a very random blog post, I need to start saving for new furniture. Any ideas on how to create a zen-filled bedroom anyone? One bedroom preferably with room for my many dog-eared and shiny-covered books.

*~I turn my head to the east,
I dont see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west,
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north,
Swallow that pill that they call pride
The old me's dead and gone
But the new me will be alright~*

Spring cleaning for the inner mind

2009-05-01T20:44:00.008+08:00

The trip to KL proved to be highly illuminating and I've finally found the courage to stick to my decisions. That, I think, is one of the best things I've done lately.

*~Nobody believes me when I tell them that you're out of your mind
Nobody believes me when I tell them that there's so much you hide~*

I think its a very bittersweet moment for me because today, I let go of everything. Somehow, the last dregs of the very thing you want to let go is always the hardest thing to wash away. It sticks and it clings to your very surface, clogging every pore and orifice, resulting in you having to wash repeatedly in order to get a fully clean area.

*~Did I ever do anything that was this cruel to you?
Did I ever make you wonder who was standing in the room?
You made yourself look perfect in every way
So when this goes down, I'm the one that will be blamed
Your plan is working so you can just walk away
Because your secret's safe~*

Ultimately, once you've managed to clean away the dregs and the dirt, you find yourself marvelling at the untarnished surface and you realise that you dont want it to ever become dirty again.

*~Such a long way back, from this place that we are at
When I think of all the time I've wasted, I could cry~*

So yes, I've obtained closure once again. It seems to be my favourite word these days. Or rather, the most relevant word in the thesaurus with regards to my current life situation. There is no more room to mend anything, listen to excuses or to deal with ugly rumours and the people that spread them and that is both blessed and happy relief.

On a lazy note, I spent most of my day watching movies while sipping from a can of ice cold Coke. All I needed was a slice of vanilla flavoured cake and my life at that point of time would've been perfect. I love holidays.

CAKE + COKE + MARK WAHLBERG = ABSOLUTELY MAH-VE-LOUS

*~There's no kindness in your eyes
The way you look at me, it's just not right
I can tell whats going on this time
Theres a stranger in my life
You're not the person that I once knew
Are you scared to let them know it's you
If they could only see you like I do
Then they would see a stranger too~*

Injustice in expression

2009-04-24T14:23:00.012+08:00

Everybody's going on and on about this poor girl's answer to blogger Perez Hilton's question and its borderline ridiculous at this point.

The question posed by Hilton was that Vermont had recently legalised same sex marriages and whether other states should follow suit. Why or why not?

All Miss Carrie Prejean said was that it was great that Americans were able to choose who they'd like to marry but since she was raised to believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, thats how she thinks it should be. Ever since she uttered those words, everyone, whether in print, on television or by blogging has gone absolutely gaga over whether her answer was right or wrong or whether it cost her the Miss USA crown.

The question was one that required her to give her opinion and give it she did. So why is she being crucified for stating her beliefs? Whether you like it or not, there are always going to be people who will never understand or endorse homosexuality or lesbianism. Most say that she should've been more politically correct since a prospective Miss USA is someone who is tolerant and open to learning and all that jazz. Perhaps she could've been politically correct. It wouldnt have changed the fact that she is still opposed to gay marriage rights but perhaps she wouldnt be as harshly judged as she is now.

But then again, upon some reflection, are opinions not a primary cause of prejudice and hate? Are they not the cause of judgements and our actions? How we define ourselves and how we act towards a person or an issue is a direct result of our opinions. An opinion contains more power than we give it credit for. Opinions and beliefs have infected nations to do unjust and downright disgusting things in our past. Does no one remember Hitler or the atrocity that was the Jewish Holocaust? The things he firmly believed are the very things that almost caused the downfall of an entire race.

Now, I'm not saying that Carrie Prejean's belief is going to cause annihilation and I applaud her for standing up for herself and defending her beliefs despite criticism, but perhaps she should learn that freedom of speech should be softened with a little sensitivity. Gay people are still humans. They have feelings and wants. They have needs just like any other straight person. More importantly, they shouldnt be discriminated against simply because some do not approve of their lifestyle. They have their rights as well.

How would you feel if you were denied a basic right just because there are those who believe that its a condemnable right to be accorded since you dont follow "God's rules"? Why is it that there are rules to love? Its a hypocritical notion, especially when people talk about love being unconditional. If love is as unconditional as we claim it to be, then why is it that there are still restrictions on the type of love someone has to offer?

SO WHAT if you like a man instead of a woman? SO WHAT if you prefer a woman over a man?

Are we to deny gay people the love and happiness that comes from a union simply because their love is not what is defined as normal by biblical, religious or societal standards? Are we to denigrate a man if he prefers other men over women? I think its important to realise that spirituality and faith are far more important than following abstracts of a book that contains text written by mankind. On many occasions does the Holy Book contradict its own self. So which exactly do we follow? And what exactly do we believe since the very religious text that underlies our teachings is flawed?

And at any rate, I dont believe that the God I know is someone who would discriminate against His children just because they dont follow the standard of love as defined by man and by communities we live in.

So perhaps people need to take two steps back and look at the bigger picture before condemning someone who isnt what society calls normal. When you strip away the exterior, it all boils down to the fact that we are all the same. Perhaps if we tried harder to understand ourselves and those around us, we can help save and prevent the Jaheem Herreras' of the world.

We all feel. We all want. We all need. We all give and we all take.

Most importantly, we all have a right to love whomever we choose to love and to be loved by those who choose to love us.

Red Stars

2009-04-23T10:01:00.003+08:00

Best of cruel intentions
Finding what they fail to mention
No truth, all pretension
Raise your hand to get attention

You give and we take it
You build it, we break it
You sign and we erase it
You feel it, we fake it

Its my red star, I'll steal it
It's my red star, I can't let go
It's my red star, Conceal it
It's my red star, All I know

Wasted education
Celebrating imitation
Misplaced admiration
Speaking for a generation

You give and we take it
You build it, we break it
You sign and we erase it
You feel it, we fake it

Its my red star, I'll steal it
It's my red star, I can't let go
It's my red star, Conceal it
It's my red star, All I know

*~The Birthday Massacre~*

Moobed

2009-04-21T14:32:00.002+08:00

The thought of going back to KL this weekend is daunting. I'm finally going to come face to face with the very people I have now sworn never to contact again. Its shameful to say that I almost feared it.

However, this is where Moobs sort of walked in and shook me out of my cowardly stupor. He's right. I dont have anything to worry about when it comes to people who no longer have any space in my life.

*~So I'll cash my checks and place my bets
And hope I'll always win
Even if I dont, I'm fucked because I live a life of sin
But its alright, I dont give a damn
I dont play your rules, I make my own
Tonight I'll do what I want
'Cause I can~*

Convince me that I've been sick forever

2009-04-20T14:57:00.000+08:00

I cant help but feel that if I could stop loving, I would be okay. It isn’t the right thing to want…but its what I think I need. But that is not who I am…and that will never be me, no matter how hard I want it. I will always be the foolish little girl who gives her heart away in entirety, only to be deeply dejected when everything gets mailed back in little shattered pieces. I will always be the foolish little girl who thinks that just because she can love enough for two, that everyone else should be able to as well; never once realising that no one ever cares so strongly about anything or anyone like she does.

Perhaps a tad bit too dramatic..but I find that excerpt absurdly accurate. Cant remember where I found it though.

*~I don’t want to feel like this will never be over
And I don’t want to sit and think about what’s going wrong
I don’t want to feel like this will never be over
Cause it feels like I’ve been falling so damn long~*

Secrets of the week

2009-04-12T14:02:00.002+08:00

These postcards say more about me and my life than words ever could.

*~Taken off Postsecret~*

Changing things around the block

2009-04-01T23:36:00.003+08:00

In approximately 15 hours, I am going to do something that may or may not change my life.

Wish me luck!

*~If you need to leave the world you live in
Lay your head down and stay a while
Though you may not remember dreaming
Something waits for you to breathe again~*

I cant hold on to me

2009-03-27T23:31:00.005+08:00

I've been on a music high and low this past week. I feel like my life is defined by the music I listen to. I've come to find that no matter what song I listen to, if I dig deep enough, I can find a line or two that I can relate to my life and whats going on.

Then there are times when I think that perhaps I am overanalyzing the situations I am in and looking for an explanation as to why I'm stuck here in the first place and I find myself lapsing in and out of my own head.

I think thats what makes me me. I am a little confused and a little unhappy; I am slightly annoyed and slighly indifferent; slightly rambling but slightly making sense; I am a little bit of light and a little bit of dark.

A little bit of a lot of things that perhaps, I myself dont truly understand. I'll probably get it all someday, or maybe never..but thats not really something I'm worried about at the moment.

The strange thing is, I kind of like this state I am in. Not enough to give up entirely..but still more than enough to keep walking.

*~I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh but God, I want to let it go~*

Disabled..but not unable

2009-03-23T14:20:00.004+08:00

I was at the Woodlands Checkpoint yesterday walking towards the queue for the bus when this large man just pushed past and proceeded to board the bus without any regard for the queue or the people. I recall then calling him a few nasty names and shaking my head.

It wasnt until I got on the bus and saw him again, that I started to feel like a total bitch. Why? I felt like a bitch because the man in question was deaf. He and two other friends were using sign language to communicate. At that very point, I felt guilty, slightly angry and a burning need to learn sign language myself.

But then, I got to thinking.. Should people with disabilities be allowed to flout rules just because they are disabled? The running tag line in Singapore for the disabled is that they are "disabled, not unable." If thats the case, then everyone, disability or not, should be treated equally. I still dont think its fair that he pushed his way through just because he was deaf.

::EDIT::

There are many reasons why I think my job here is secure..and then there are many reasons why I think that I may get the boot any day now. Things change so easily here.

*~I feel insane every single time I'm asked to compromise
I'm afraid I'm stuck in my ways
And thats the way it stays~*

Saudade

2009-03-16T01:42:00.005+08:00

*~Taken of PostSecret Deutsch~*

I dare to dream about the impossible... even though I might only be disappointed. I never reveal my dreams completely to anyone. They would call me crazy.

::EDIT::

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

~* Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy*~

Out with the garbage and in with the good

2009-03-06T15:36:00.005+08:00

After almost two years, I've finally got my closure.

*~I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green
I would never wish bad things, but I dont wish you well
Could you tell by the flames that burned your words?~*

I'm actually really relieved that you've decided to not try and work things out. This now means that I can finally move on instead of always lingering on what may have been. I dont care if you think I'm the one thats in the wrong, I'll still maintain that you were the one who pushed me, and Lady Belle, away.

*~Does it hurt to know I'll never be there
Bet it sucks to realise we dont even care
It was you who chose to end it like you did
I was the last to know
You knew exactly what you would do
So dont say you simply lost your way
She may believe you but I never will
Never again~*

We put up with a lot of your bullshit and we really did our best to look beyond your one major flaw of forgetting your friends...but your mother was right. She agrees that you forget old friends once you find new ones and you always blame the old ones. Your new friend deserves you. You both deserve each other really. I dont care what you'll tell the others. If they choose to leave based on your words, that only means I'll finally get to throw out the rotten apples and enjoy the company of the true, fresh ones.

*~If she really knows the truth, she deserves you
A trophy friend, oh how cute
Ignorance is bliss
And when your day comes and she's through with you
And she'll be through with you
You'll die together but alone~*

Moving on after you will be a breath of fresh air that is LONG overdue.

Pixel perfect in a low resolution world

2009-03-02T11:26:00.003+08:00

The magazine just came back from the printers. Aside from picture resolution issues, its fresh and its new and I feel even more proud. When I compare this issue to my first one, I cant help but feel that perhaps my first issue was a little juvenile. A little too simple and childlike to be truly taken seriously. However, that is all going to change for the better. I've learnt so much since I started working here and I'm eager to put all that to use in the second issue for 2009.

There's writing style, grammar and punctuation to be checked, picture quality to control and so much more. Its tiring but exciting. I cannot wait. I wonder when I started liking my job. Hell, I still hate concrete, but I like my job more than I did previously. When did that happen?!

It has its perks. The pay is decent and I dont have a specific dress code to adhere to. I could walk in with a ratty old sweater and torn jeans and no one would give a flying fuck. If they do, they keep their opinions to themselves anyway. I've got some good friends at the office that make work better. We've cried together and laughed together, smoked together and drank chocolate milk together. Its hard to leave now because I dont want to leave these people behind. Sure, there's one troublemaker who is possibly jealous (of what, I dont know) but she's not worth considering.

Also, Becks says that this new issue is wonderful. She says its easier to market because it goes into a little more specifics. She also says to not give any credence to the advertiser's words. She thinks its a better way to save face by blaming my editorial work instead of admitting that he'd rather focus his tightening budget by advertising in the magazine that is more exposed. Ah well, his loss then.

On a sadder note, a former diploma classmate passed away on Saturday. It was suicide apparently. Although I didnt know him personally, the boy I remember used to be sarcastic and friendly. He always had a smile on his face and based on what people said about him, he was a good friend and an even better person. I feel for the family. He was cremated on Sunday and his ashes are to be scattered at sea. As morbid as it would sound, I wonder why and how he did it. More why than how, to be honest.

There's going to be a memorial service for him at his favourite bar, organized by some of his closest friends. I've been asked to go as well, but I'm not sure if I should. I didnt know the guy or his diploma clique. I rolled in different circles. I think my attending would be weird and a bit of an intrusion since I didnt know him the first place. I'll think about it though.

Which should I go to? Karaoke session with my workmates or to the memorial?

*~Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All thats left of yesterday~*

Chicken or Beef?

2009-02-27T09:49:00.003+08:00

I met Sister Lunacy for dinner yesterday. She is insane....but that is why we both click so well. We talked about a whole lot of things and one of the things we have in common is that we both prefer to sit down and talk someplace quiet; which is precisely what we did yesterday. After frightening the guy who took our order, we sat down over dinner and proceeded to just talk.

Sometimes, I like to think that our real guardian angels are the people who surround us with love. It can be friends or members of your family. The people who never leave even when there is nothing left are the true guardian angels we have.

If thats the case, then I have some very zany guardian angels. Each one is different and special in her own little way.

In other words, its always chaos. =)

Anyways, my brother's birthday is coming soon and I was thinking about doing another dinner menu.

I am torn between easy Italian and greasy Soul Food.

Which should I pick?

***********

Racism all over the world.
It will never die, it will never die.
It will only multiply.

-Chris Rock-

Best limerick I've heard in years.

Graduate school dilemma

2009-02-23T15:20:00.009+08:00

Caramel and I happened to discuss graduate school this afternoon. We both were thinking of going back to school together in a few years...preferably before the age of 30. If we did go back to school together, we could save on a lot of things since we can split the cost of living, food and transportation. The only bother is the tuition fees.

How on earth am I going to save USD 34,000 in a few years? I have to try somehow....I dont want to have to pay off a study loan, but based on preliminary calculations, thats my only option. I fully understand now why some girls strip to pay tuition fees. Ugh. Grad school is a killer that will strip you financially naked and assault your bank account repeatedly.

Note to self: NEVER become a parent.

And then, there's the question of my GPA..which isnt exactly the most impressive thing on the fucking planet. Its not shabby, but it could've been a lot better. Its a little too late to regret anything anyway and I will just have to make do with what I already have.

I've also been thinking about going back to school to get a degree in audio/radio broadcasting. Its a little cheaper and I'll finally get to do what I've always wanted to do. Besides, Caramel can help with schoolwork! MWAHAHHA! If I do choose to get another degree, the first place I'll enroll is SUNY in Plattsburgh. I'd do an internship during my summer break.

If I'd had the cash to do this earlier, I would've. It was my plan from the beginning. I just couldnt afford it.

Caramel does have a point though. Grad school (or another degree) is still a long way away for the both of us. We both cant imagine going back to school just yet. Since I've only been out of school for about six months (and Caramel getting out in May), we'll wait a while before going back to assignments and paper torture. Besides, we've both got student loans to pay back that stops us from applying again.

But when I really think about all the things I'd like to do before applying for school, I know that this is something I can truly and seriously consider again somewhere in 2015 or so.

Anyone interested in being my banker or standing as guarantor on the loan in 2015?

XD

Also....

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY MICHELLE MARIE SHELTON!!!!!

It took too long for them to call back

2009-02-20T13:25:00.004+08:00

Its been a frustrating week at work. Besides finding out a colleague is gunning to discredit me and that is what fueled everyone to be extra hard on me, an important advertiser has also pulled out of the most important advertising space there is. His reason: He's not impressed with my first issue and feels that the standard of the magazine has dropped.

It was so hard to hear that, especially after I spent a lot of time pretty much groping in the dark for material. While some of my colleagues helped a lot with giving me ideas on where to look for material, I searched for almost all the editorial content myself. I asked Milo to change the graphics scheme to make it more colourful and vibrant and believe me, its a whole lot more colourful and awesome than it used to be. Milo does awesome work. It was a real puzzle trying to figure out how make the whole thing flow and connect. It was hard to arrange the pieces and each segment so it didnt become horribly repetitive. So, it was devastating to hear that all the work that Milo and I did caused an important advertiser to back out.

64 pages of pure content. NOT A SINGLE AD, and it just wasnt good enough for that one company.

However, after long discussions with Lady Belle, Caramel, Chemical Boy and Sister Lunacy, I've come to realise that they all are right. *thanks you guys. I really do appreciate what you did.* Aaliyah said it pretty well too in her song.

If at first you dont succeed, you dust yourself off and try again.

What else is there to do? Tears wont solve the problem. Being upset sure as hell wont bring in the moolah. So everytime I churn out an issue, I have to ask my readers for feedback. Source for better information and essentially, make sure every issue has substance and colour.

I cant and wont lie down and waste away because one advertiser thinks we're not good enough. We are good enough...and we did one awesome job in putting together a magazine. I know its going to be better this year. I cant promise that we're going to get a barrel load of advertisers for the magazine, but I can promise that I am going to do everything I can to make sure that I bring in the awesome, editorial-wise.

And if you dont like it, well, thats just too damn bad.

*~I see your dirty face
High behind your collar
What is done in vain
Truth is hard to swallow
So you pray to God
To justify the way you live a lie, live a lie, live a lie
And you take your time
And you do your crime
Well you made your bed
I'm in mine~*

::EDIT:: I use the word 'awesome' waaaay too much. And I am on a Fresh Prince of Bel Air overdose.

Here laid to rest is our love ever lost

2009-02-17T12:16:00.001+08:00

Its been crazy lately. Vegas was awesome. The exhibition was so huge and I had blisters from walking around all day. I did fall sick on the second day, but in turn, I got to rot in my hotel room and watch Everybody Loves Raymond reruns, which more than made up for everything. It was freezing cold to me, but everyone was walking around in short-sleeved shirts and whatnot. HOW DO YOU DO IT?

There were many occasions where I had to (for lack of a better word) resuscitate my toes because they were blue from cold, even if they were tightly packed into a shoe. I didnt have much time to walk anywhere..and the hotel is so far away from the Strip. To walk alone at night is asking for trouble as there were many shady people around the corners when Eric and I went out for a walk. But I did do a little shopping and I did have fun. =) Productive, but not always.

Going back to my mundane routine was more welcoming than I thought it would be, but its quickly become boring. 64 pages to fill, four pages complete so far and I've got less than 30 days to get it all done. I dont know how I did it before, but I'm sure I can pull something out of my magic bag of tricks in the days to come.

There's a marketing executive for my magazine FINALLY. He's nice and yesterday, we had a briefing. The poor sod looked overwhelmed...just like I did on my first day. Ah well, his main job is to bring in advertisements and to introduce any potential editorials to me. It should be okay. I'm just begging for more ads...because the thought of filling 64 pages every two months is daunting. I'm not saying it cannot be done..it most certainly can...but it remains daunting nonetheless.

Anywayz, enough rambling for now. I've got good music and a lot of work gently beckoning at the moment. If I dont get started, I wont have anything good for this issue.

*~Well if you're just as I presumed
A whore in sheep's clothing
Fucking up all I do
And if so here we stop
Then never again will you see this in your life~*

Back at square one where I've always belonged

2009-02-09T22:28:00.003+08:00

I cant change who I am

Not this time, I wont lie to keep you near me

And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up

My love wasnt enough.

And you can blame it on me

Set your guilt free

I dont want to hold you back now love.

Boycott calls and dinner

2009-01-28T10:26:00.010+08:00

My mother's birthday was on Monday, so I decided to surprise her by cooking dinner for the day. I'm not much of a cook really..and I've never been able to identify if a dish had enough salt...so really, placing me in the kitchen is disastrous at best...but hey, I like the idea of people eating the things I've cooked, so I looked up a few recipes and decided on almond fish fillets, pasta and a salad, with wine to set it off nicely. I would say it went pretty well and I am already considering doing a whole dinner menu again. The only sad thing is that I dont have a food warmer..so what has been cooked earlier goes cold.

This is what the lemon/egg/pepper/garlic mixture looks like. It smells zesty but its not very nice to eat in this state.

My fish fillets!

This is what the fillets look like once you've dipped it in flour, then dipped it into the lemon/egg/pepper mixture, finally rolling it ground almonds. There's also a good grating of mozzarella cheese on this. =) Butter fried fillets. Butter burns quickly though.

My meatball mix. This one is my mother's recipe...One of the first things she taught me how to cook when I first moved to Singapore.

Meatballs frying in the oil...

Corned beef pasta with beef meatballs and almond fish fillets. YUM.

Salad. This one, my dad made. I'm no good at tossing and saucing the damn thing. Dont really care much for it either!

The birthday girl sipping on her wine. It was a good bottle. I dont like wine but this one tasted alright.

Setting the table for dinner.

Dinner went really well! The next time I attempt to dominate the kitchen, I'm making Shirley Temples and a proper dessert. This was fun! Other than forgetting to put some salt in the meatballs (which the pasta sauce took care of), everything else was peachy.

Dinner for five. Check!

Now to look for more recipes to cook. One more thing to put on my list of New Year's resolutions. LEARN HOW TO COOK PROPER MEALS!

This picture cracks me up. On the bus to JB town from home, I saw this poster stuck on the glass piece behind the bus driver's seat. If you cant see the words, it says BERHENTI MENYOKONG PEMBUNUH KANAK KANAK. BOIKOT BARANGAN ISRAEL DAN SEKUTUNYA.

On the list are brands that people use on a daily basis or that people actually love. Guess, CK, Kit Kat, Nestle, Ambi Pur etc etc.. You get the drift.

It made me laugh. I had to struggle to keep from laughing out loud. So I focused on taking blurry pictures of the moving scenery. I realise death and violence is nothing to laugh at...but the very thought of the Malaysian public boycotting things like Nestle and the Gap and brands like that makes me want to laugh my pants off.

A materialistic, money-minded, consumerism-driven society boycotting brands that have become synonymous with daily living?

What a farcical thought.

Metal on ivory

2009-01-19T09:57:00.003+08:00

Nothing Else Matters - Metallica

How does that not give you chills???? Unfortunately though, her sheet music is written only for her comprehension and I cant read her cramped writing. But until I have the time to figure it out and rewrite it on fresh manuscript sheets, I'm afraid I must be content with only the mp3 in hand.

Missing - Evanescence

Hazel.Is.In.Piano.Heaven.

seeing stars

2009-01-13T11:40:00.003+08:00

A party invite to schmooze with industry players...and a compliment from an executive of a high-flying software company.

HOW MUCH BETTER CAN ANYBODY'S DAY GET?????

"Thanks Hazel, You're a star."

I cant stop smiling. As mummy would say, the horns are growing! A little faith can take you a loooong way.

Alrightey, back to work! I have more article submissions to compile.

Resolutions!

2009-01-05T16:18:00.009+08:00

Ameily and I just finished a conversation about New Year's resolutions. I think we've both got some very simple and realistic ones set for 2009. She shared with me her carefully thought out resolutions and the more I read, the more I realized that the reason we both get along so fantastically is simply because on some level, we think a lot alike. Two or three of her resolutions echo mine closely although, I probably wouldnt have taken time to really write out the reasons as to why I've made such resolutions. But like Ameily, 2008 hasnt always been marvellous, more often than not tainted by self-doubt, derision and a lot of hurt and mistrust.

But to cut a long (and pathetic) story short, this year, I will learn to laugh more, love more and be happy.

This year, I will learn to accept criticism graciously, without lashing out at anyone. I will attempt to learn patience and tolerance, and to show a little kindness to those who dont always grasp things as quickly.

This year, I will learn to treasure what I have, knowing that I am far more blessed than many out there. Having a roof over my head, food on the table and a comfortable job that more than pays the bills is a blessing that many have never had a chance to experience, or have lost due to the failing economy.

This year, I will learn to put the past behind me, never to bring it up or dig it out so that I may feel sorry for myself when I do not get things done my way.

This year, I will try my very best to unwind and relax and to not take everything so seriously, even if I do think you are wasting your life away with booze, bitches and other trivial pursuits.

This year, I will start SAVING so that I may start putting my 10-year-plan into motion.

Karlovy Vary, here I come!

On that note, HAPPY 2009 EVERYONE!!!

Oh oh oh, I took a few silly pictures when we took my parents out for a seafood dinner for their wedding anniversary!

My.brother.is.a.loving.pest.

It only occured to me to take pictures once the other three dishes had already been demolished... There were crabs and bamboo clams and all sorts of wriggling, disgusting things that live in the ocean. I despise seafood...but really, four against one! I was outnumbered.

My brother didnt waste any time in dipping deep fried buns into the curry paste!

This one never fails to crack me up because he popped it so fast into his mouth!!

Took us all a while to realize that the crabs were served in a crab-shaped dish. Geddit???

At this point, Mum just didnt know whether she wanted to smack me, bite me or just laugh!

This one took me a while to get. Daddy is unbelievably adept at getting out of taking pictures!

Fatboy, as I have lovingly christened him, willingly poses for five seconds of flash photography. Thats my sister-in-law in the background by the way. She was happily feeding the cats under the table, although she denies it vehemently.

The remnants...as seen through the Coke. I quite like this classic Coke can design.

Anyway, back to work!!!

*~Somedays I'm a superbitch
Up to my own tricks but it wont last forever
Next day I'm your supergirl
Out to save the world
And it keeps getting better~*

Viva Las Vegas

2008-12-17T10:03:00.005+08:00

My formal invitation to the World of Concrete trade show has just arrived. Its finally sinking in....

I am going to Vegas in February on my first ever business trip.

Its a daunting thought but its so exciting! I'll get to meet so many new people and I'd have to exchange so many business cards. Speaking of which, I must order some more...

There is so much to be done in terms of preparing for the trip! I have to start emailing people and setting up appointments..I have to shop for clothes. Its possibly going to wet and windy in February. WONDERFUL. Just like Singapore then. I also need to get shoes that are anti-slip so I dont fall on the streets of Vegas. Knowing me, you could put me anywhere on earth and I'd still fall flat on my ass.

The truth is, a small part of me doesnt really want to go. Whats the point since I want to switch jobs in a year right? But in all honesty, this pessimistic attitude is what spoils a lot of things for me. I know it, and yet I allow it free reign. Such self-destructive habits I do possess, precious.

Why shouldnt I go? Why shouldnt I have fun? Why shouldnt I meet new people and get new things to write about? I wont deny that the subject matter at hand is not meant for me, but writing is. This is me. At work, I am in my element. Why then, is it so hard for me to just do what I like doing? WHY do I dislike it so?

Whatever the reason, I am going for this business trip. Its fully paid for and I will go. I will make new contacts and I will leave with my head held high.

Unless my visa gets rejected of course. ;)

And no, thats not pessisism, its reality.

Adding in on to the list

2008-12-10T16:33:00.004+08:00

Its only 4.30 on a cold and wet Wednesday evening. For some reason, Wednesdays seem to pass by a lot slower than the other five working days of the week.

Christmas and the office party is two weeks away. I still havent quite figured out what to wear as a costume. I figured I'd go as Morticia Addams since everything I own is black in colour anyways. All I really have left to do is to press my face and hands down into a bucket of talcum powder, line my eyes with black kohl and paint my lips a deep, dark red. I just need to figure out how to throw my black pieces of clothing together so I dont look like that scary bag lady we've all seen walking around the market.

There are presents to be wrapped, treasure hunt clues to be written and hidden, Charades ideas to be brainstormed and, of course, the icing on the cake..that little speech/acoustic session thing I bravely planned for the wedding without telling a soul...

I can only pray that I do not mess up the lyrics on that day..or sing out of key...or go too fast...or just..mess up! The pressure is intense and I am in no position to fail because no one will ever let me live it down.

Alright, back to work..although, since I'm done with my list of articles to complete, my only task now is to let my eyes glaze over and slowly count down to 6pm in my head.

Sounds like more fun than this nanotechnology conference I must write about. ;)

Not going anywhere anytime soon

2008-11-27T01:51:00.002+08:00

I do it because I care.

I do it because I want to be there.

I do it because I genuinely want to be there for you.

I do it because I cant imagine not doing it for you.

I do it because you're all I have.

I do it because I love you.

What I do for you...is in no way special. Its nothing great or wonderful. Its nothing to gloat or talk about. Its nothing to admire or be praised for. Its nothing to win awards for and its certainly not to be paraded about.

I do it...because I want to. Often, I find myself unable to be physically present when you seem to need me most. Work drags me far away from all the people I love most and its not always pleasant.

So when I am able to be there, even if its just to make sure you're eating, please let me be. Dont ask me to leave or dont convince me that you'll be okay. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right there because thats exactly where I want to be.

Dont shut me out. Dont ask me to go home and sleep. Let me be there. Even if its just to bully you into revealing old school gossip.

We're not running away, or avoiding you. We're not leaving you or abandoning you. We'll be right here to pick you up and dust you off; to hold your hand whether you want us to or not. Remember, as much as you dont want us to worry, we always will...simply because...we really and truly do love you.

And we cannot imagine a life without you.

This doesnt even feel like falling

2008-11-17T16:50:00.004+08:00

So we went back to KL for the weekend and found out some really awful things about certain people. Not in my 18 years of being able to comprehend right and wrong have I ever encountered such sick and twisted people. Its embarrassing to even consider them as remotely human. It solves a lot of problems for us in the long run though.

Why is it that I can pretty much accurately peg a person for who they really are, but still let them in to wreak havoc on all that I know? Makes me wonder, it does...

On another note, I managed to get my hands on a full-length preview of I Am..Sasha Fierce. Its not too bad. There are several gems on the album but its nothing new and nothing extremely brilliant. Worth a listen =) But for now, Single Ladies and Halo play repeatedly on Sasi's and my playlist.

Back to work! I'd like to leave early today!

Dancing with the devil

2008-11-14T15:55:00.002+08:00

Another one of those miserable days when everything that was once going right, is now wrong.

*~I believe in you
I can show you that I can see right through all your empty lies
I wont stay long~*

Moderation is key

2008-11-12T10:18:00.004+08:00

Recently, there's been a huge spate of news about abortion rights and "pro-life" and all that jazz. Today, I read that the Catholic Church wants to oppose abortion rights and says that those who are pro-abortion should not receive Holy Communion until they change their stance. So I guess until I change my mind, I should not go to church or receive Communion.

Is that really any way to encourage people to be pro-life?

I think its silly that people get so obsessed about keeping the baby that they dont stop to consider the other factors involved.

In some medical cases, an abortion is necessary. What then does a mother do? Does she uphold the moral code set by the Church and keep the baby to endanger her life or in some cases, the child's life itself, or does she terminate the pregnancy? What about those who become pregnant through rape? Are those women expected to keep those babies? Yes, she can give the kid up for adoption, but for those long nine months, the child has to live inside her. What is she to do for nine months? Children, even more so with babies, need care and feeding. Its not as simple as giving birth to a child and then leaving it be. Kids are time-consuming and expensive. An expensive, risky and at times, ungrateful investment, as I see it. Adoption might be an option, but if no one wants to adopt the child, it will remain in the system until a kind soul takes it in.

What if the child has Down's Syndrome or something along those lines? Will the Church step in to help those parents who chose to keep the child? I may not be a parent, but it doesnt take a scientist to tell you that raising a child with a disability is challenging. It requires an extraordinary amount of patience and love; something that not everyone has.

While I agree that unnecessary killing of an unborn child shouldnt be encouraged, room should be given to consider the situation. There really is no need to be entirely pig-headed about the issue. Its the 21st century. Women have rights and a choice now.

Lets not all be neanderthals about the subject. Grow up and learn to be rational everyone.

Early preparations

2008-11-10T16:36:00.003+08:00

Its not even December yet and already the Christmas decorations are up. The above is the Christmas tree in the office. Gives me a little bit of pleasure looking at those twinkling lights..even if Christmas is 6 weeks away!

*~Silent night...Holy night...
All is calm...All is bright..~*

Reality bites

2008-11-04T11:36:00.004+08:00

I spent some time talking to my Caramel earlier and she's all excited with her impending proposal and wedding. I'm excited to be bridesmaid here since she's already asked and I've accepted ever so happily! I can already picture the dress fittings, the frenzied bachelorette party, the crazed partying in general really. Pampers and I are going to go crazy when it comes to the bachelorette party.

Its not for another year or two at least because, as any regular Jane would know, there is a crazy amount of planning and money involved in making any wedding a success. In Caramel's case, there's also the case of the parental meeting..with one set of parentals having to agree to the wedding itself. She's marrying him anyway, but if the parents could just approve and learn to love Señor SeaBass..because he really is a nice guy, then it would truly be a happier event.

But I digress.

With the wedding looming in the near future, Caramel and I have made a plan that we are praying will materialize ASAP. Firstly, a week long (or longer), completely heavenly holiday that consists of beaches, amazing food and a whole night of partying and bullying Señor Seabass. We have to teach this wonderful seabass of a white man all the naughty words in other languages he knows not. MWAHAHHAHA.

I keep wondering where we'll both be in a few years. Will we get to do the things we want? Will we both be exactly where we want to be with those that we truly love? Where will our careers be headed? Will we still be in the same emotionally hurtful situations? Or will we have grown and evolved, learning how to protect ourselves from giving it all away?

I cannot wait to see whats in store for us both. We've planned our lives right down to the T..even to the point of saying that we'll both be socially awesome parents. I may never have kids for a whole range of reasons, as much as I love them...so I cannot wait to be an aunt. Little ones to be spoilt and loved once more.

No more broken hearts. No more pain. No more giving and giving till I have nothing left to save myself.

Optimism. Positivity. Love. Faith.

No looking back.

*~So swallow the knife
Carve the way for your pride~*

little words of inspiration

2008-10-22T11:00:00.003+08:00

This is for all my girls. You know who you are.

This one is especially meant for my caramel sistachick, skeleton and super-geek bitch. I love you three with all my heart. Always will.

Credit for the lyrics go to The D.E.Y.

*~Through the fire
Through the rain
Through the joy and the pain
Este amor, it remains the same
I'mma give you the world

Through the fights
Through the change
Through the nights and the days
Este amor, it remains the same
I'mma give you the world

I'll pick you up when you fall
I'm at your side when you call
You've just got to know
That I love you
And I just want to give you the world

Everytime you hit the ground
I'll hold you down and I'll never skip town
I'll be around
You can count on me
I will follow through
If u need it here real~*

Change for you?

2008-10-21T10:09:00.001+08:00

See latest stories on Yahoo! News

I know I'm not American and I cant vote...but if I could, I'd vote for change.

Obama/Biden 08.

=)

Comatose

2008-10-16T10:04:00.003+08:00

Its been an odd few days. I've been feeling very detached from everyone and everything. It takes a lot to have a conversation with anyone these days. I would rather be left alone than engaged in a conversation. I'm bummed out and unhappy, but if you asked me what I'm bummed about, I would tell you that I dont know. I need to snap out of it. This gloomy wretch of a person is no fun.

*~Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose on you
Waking up to you never felt so real~*

Anywayz, Poova told me about Mind Your Language on youtube. Its amazing, I found so many episodes. Cant wait to watch some more tonight!

OH BLIMEY!

Oh I love it.

*~Nobody nobody wants to feel like this
Nobody nobody wants to live like this~*

Ten Years

2008-10-08T12:40:00.002+08:00

Ten years from now
When I turn around
Will I be satisfied
When I look back on life

Don't tell me it's too late
Don't tell me that I threw it all away
Don't tell me that I did this all in vain

I have my reasons
Why I walk this lonely road
And I never return
Was it worth the life of sacrifice
Ten years from now

When she looks at me (She sees right through me now)
All that emptiness in her eyes
So damn hard to speak (Can't say a word out loud)
There's no words to make this right

She tells me that I'm lost
I know that she will never understand
I know that I will do it all again

I have my reasons
Why I walk this lonely road
If I never return
Was it worth the life of sacrifice
Ten years from now
Years from now...

I have my reasons
Why I walk this lonely road
If I never return
Was it worth the life of sacrifice
Ten years from now
I have my reasons
Why I walk this lonely road (Ten years from now)
And I never return
Was it worth the life of sacrifice
Ten years from now

relating to someone else's secret.

2008-10-02T13:58:00.006+08:00

*Taken off PostSecret*

This particular postcard applies to a lot of people, not just her. So perhaps it should read as this: I havent talked to them in three months. I dont miss them at all.

Funny how people drift apart isnt it? I cant feel anything when I think about all of them....all of them lumped into all that emotional garbage thats been bringing me down. I had a good long heart-to-heart with my awesome geek-bitch last night and I've never felt better. In fact, I had two wonderful conversations with two wonderful people who have been gifted with a lot more wisdom than I have.

I guess my super geek-bitch is right. Grow a pair and go find the old her.

feeling the bluuuues

2008-09-26T14:08:00.003+08:00

There are two very different people living inside one body. One is always smiling, always optimistic and just generally happy. The other is moody, unstable and just generally dislikes everyone.

One always wants to make new friends..and the other just wishes everyone would leave her alone.

Could be that why no one gets who she really is? Could that be why people always assume that she is slow, weird and a whole host of other not-so-nice things?

The other side of this girl asked a few simple questions to clarify something...and her friend thought she was being annoying and daft. Is it wrong to be clear on an issue that involves a substantial amount of money? A substantial amount of MY money, might I add.

While the sunny side has brushed it off saying that she doesnt give a damn about what other people think or feel, the other cant understand why people can be so harsh and mean at times.

How these two sides have managed to live side by side for so long, I still fail to understand...but its driving me crazy.

::EDIT::

I've been living on this song for about a week now...HEAVEN. PURE HEAVEN.

Makes me wonder what it would've sounded like if Amy Lee had done vocals....but thats only because I love Amy's voice more than anyone else'. But if I really have to be honest, Cristina can hold her own. =)

*~You could give me anything but love~*

You can give me anything but love

2008-09-25T13:54:00.005+08:00

*~In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me~*

Its been a strange three days and I cant figure out what exactly has got us all feeling so blue. I usually write it off as Monday blues but, since starting kickboxing, my Mondays fly by faster since I've got something to look forward to...so it doesnt suck as much anymore. I'm going to start taking Friday classes as well...so its a wonderfully painful way to kick off the weekend as well. =)

Anywayz, back to work. There is a very thick air of pure unhappiness lingering in the air today.

Why why...tell me why....

*~So go on infect me
Go on and scare me to death
Tell me I asked for it
Tell me I'll never forget
You could give me anything but love~*

Trying too hard and failing miserably

2008-09-22T14:50:00.002+08:00

*~Made the toast
Burnt the eggs
Never got the hang of them
Just another other day
Caught the bus
Forgot the change
Looks like I'll be late again
Hopefully they wont complain~*

It seems to me that somehow, I always find a way to ruin what was already a perfect arrangement to begin with.

Perhaps self-control is something I should maintain at all times. Never assume anything in a moment of fun because it could turn into something else that will be regretted dearly.

*~Went to work
I saw you there
But you never seemed to care
For a single thing I said
I set my clock and went to sleep
This anxiety I'll keep
Through another fucking day
Oh, its another overdose~*

Yesterday

2008-09-13T11:39:00.002+08:00

You dont know what you've put me through
But its okay, I've forgiven you
But in some way, I hope it fucks with you

That I'm okay and I've made it through
But who's to say what you're going through
I say no names though I've wanted to
Isn't it strange how it seems like

Yesterday, a girl and already afraid
Locked deep inside, my place to hide
To hide from how you made me feel
And I wonder how's your father
Did he end up fucked up like me?
Lost in himself, crying for help
It's safe to say

I learned to live without a pride
Just a shell, with me stuck inside
A prison, not a place to hide
Not a place to hide

But I'm okay and I've made it through
But who's to say what you're going through
I say no names though I've wanted to
Isn't it strange how it seems like

Yesterday, a girl and already afraid
Locked deep inside, my place to hide
To hide from how you made me feel
And I wonder how's your father
Did he finally pull through like me?
Finding himself, not needing help
I'd like to say....

I'm doing perfectly fine without you and though you wish I would, I'll never come back. Never thought that it would come this far, but here we are.

And I'm so relieved. Only because I will never have to pretend to want to be around you. Only because I will never have to be anything else but who I already am. Only because it will never hurt when I hear all the bad things you've said about the people I love to others. Only because I will never have to answer your judgmental questions and your scathing lies.

And by jove, it feels so good.

=)

Both joy and pain to come!

2008-09-12T14:45:00.002+08:00

I'm finally signing up for kickboxing classes!!

T.H.I.S.I.S.S.O.F.U.C.K.I.N.G.E.X.C.I.T.I.N.G!!!!!!!!!

A redefined pulse through your iris

2008-09-08T11:22:00.003+08:00

Things have been steadily improving but I still cant help but feel like something is really missing. Think as hard as I do, I still cant place a finger on the cause of this little void deep inside.

*~Disappear and dissolve
A weakening wall will one day fall
Its wise to sever our loss
A redefined pulse through your iris~*

I was thinking of getting some online shopping done over the weekend but I'm not sure what to buy exactly since my list of online shopping wants has grown over the course of two months. I dont quite know which one I want most...or rather, which one I NEED most. =)

Anywayz, back to work before I get another warning email.

*~Love's not all lost
But its nailed to my cross
And crucified all that I've held on~*

Blank blank blank

2008-09-04T17:52:00.000+08:00

*~If you want to get out alive
Run for your life~*

Wise words.

My mind's in disturbia

2008-09-02T13:41:00.003+08:00

There is so much politics going on right now and I think I have to be very careful about who I talk to and what I say. It will never do to be caught in the middle of several ugly conflicts going on right now. I wonder what they are saying about me behind my back. I wonder what they are thinking about me secretly.

Its a disconcerting thought but its not something thats new here. I was warned early on...right on my first day. Keeping conversation at a bare minimum is perhaps the best move for now. Until I can really read those around me, its best to dig up those old, thick walls and set them securely in place.

Please

2008-08-28T15:20:00.001+08:00

Can't you see that I'm sick of this?
Chances are you're oblivious to how I feel
Sitting on your throne
And I'm sure that I'm not alone

Tell me please
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political

And please
I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you
So please

I didn't think that you'd sell me out
Now I know what you're all about
You might feel in control of things
But you're not holding all the strings

Tell me please
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political

And please
I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't matter to you

I swallowed all your answers
I've swallowed all my pride
You've used up all your chances
Can't keep this all inside

Tell me please
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political

And please
I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you

So please
Don't keep telling me that it's okay
I don't buy all the shit that you say
And quite honestly I'm fucking sick of it

So please
If I cut off this nose from my face
Then I wouldn't feel so out of place
But it still wouldn't be quite enough for you
So please

I Don't Care

2008-08-20T23:16:00.003+08:00

Try to make it through my life
In my way, there's you
I try to make it through these lies
That's all I do
Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it and deal with it
Just deal with it

You try to break me
You want to break me bit by bit
That's just part of it
If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care

I try to make you see my side
Always trying to stay in line
But your eyes see right through
That's all they do

I'm getting tired of this shit
I've got no room when it's like this
What you want of me
Just deal with it

Nothing I can care about
Nothing I can care about
You won't be there for me
You won't be there for me

If you were dead or still alive
I don't care
I don't care
And all the things you left behind
I don't care
I don't care

business card troubles

2008-08-15T10:44:00.002+08:00

I find it hard to believe that two straight weeks have flown by. 8)

Work improves everyday. I've slowly managed to catch up..but I still have so much to learn.

I've got a conference to attend on the 27th of August 2008. I am so nervous because I have to get to know all these strangers who could possibly be contributors to my magazine someday.

Has a funny ring to it... MY MAGAZINE. Hahahah.

How do you just walk up to someone and introduce yourself without looking like a complete loon? I've got to pass out my namecard too.

I am so shy..and so excited!

My first ever conference...and the good name of both the company and the magazine rest on my interaction skills.

PRESSURE MUCH?

Simply

2008-08-13T13:57:00.006+08:00

I've made it so hard on myself
Turning my back on how I felt
Seeing a lie that led me on
Leaving a love that did no wrong
That's what it took for me to say

That I simply love
Despite all the stupid things you've done
It's hard to remember that I simply love
Even though I know exactly what you've done
It's hard to remember that I simply love

I've tried to do all this on my own
Not thinking once of what you've shown
All that I am has blinded me
To everything that you've done to me
I want you to know that I finally see

I don't know why I can't understand
I don't know why I can't comprehend

********************

I'm having such a hard time right now. Truth be told, I dont even know whats the matter anymore.

Cheers.

Just being me

2008-08-12T11:33:00.002+08:00

Lately, it just seems to me
That people arent what they seem to be
They all want me torn up
I know there’s snakes in the grass
I just have to be careful and keep the lawn cut
I see all the drama you're bringing
I combat that with positive thinking
I’m me till I’m old and grey
And when that day comes
I'm gonna teach my daughters to be the same way
I am the way I am,
So crème de la crème
And specially when you pray for my downfall
That’s why I try to stay away from you
You'll never get me down
So I’ll always be around
(Forget about it)
Still doing it so beautifully
I see you doing those things but that's not new to me

Go and do your thing
'Cause people will talk
Baby it’s the way
The way that you walk
Keep your head up to the sky
Confidence high
Love the ones that hate you
'Cause they’re the ones who make you
Go and do your thing

**********

I did modify her lyrics a little so I wouldnt appear to be another Nindian.

But Queen Latifah has never said it better.

Just do your thing because people are going to hate you anyway.

Finding beauty in negative spaces

2008-08-08T14:14:00.002+08:00

One week has officially passed and I've slowly got into the flow. The job isnt as awful as I first thought it was. I think I am so blessed to have such wonderful colleagues who are so willing to supply me with contact information and help with my work. They've helped me out with information and articles. I've even managed to make a few industry contacts of my own.

I felt so proud when my first pieces of work were shipped off to the Graphics department today. There were some slight hitches but I've learned new things.

I've made a delightful set of new friends. So if I had to talk about work now, I'd say its going pretty damn well... seeing as how I've found people who are as sarcastic and as talkative as I am!!

My first week. What a memorable experience.

Pretty soon, I'm going to be one of the older workers attempting to help out a confused newbie who is close to tears because she cant grasp what the hell she is supposed to do.

I promise to be nice then!

But for now....

The weekend is here and I have the house all to myself since everyone else has gone back to KL. JOY! I shall enjoy being home alone.

Down with the sickness

2008-08-06T09:20:00.002+08:00

Its only my third day of work and I'm already sick. This further sucks because I cannot go on medical leave because it will be deducted from my salary since I am on probation currently. So here I am, sitting at my cubicle, sniffling away while I sip hot tea and suck on Strepsils. Joy.

You know, I cant decide if I like my job or not. When I wake up in the mornings, I am psyched to come to work and try as hard as I can to source for new material to use in the magazine. However, by the end of the day, I go home hating my job and wondering WHY I even submitted a resume in the first place.

In the spirit of optimism, I'm going to say that I dislike my job because its so far out of my comfort zone and I'm such a noob at the subject matter at hand. Given time, I hope to learn as much as I can about concrete.

Still in the spirit of optimism, I'm going to say I quite like my job simply because I'm being paid
and that its something very new and challenging, so the ride will, at least, be interesting.

Here's to another 90 days of concrete, concrete and MORE concrete.

Lets see what happens exactly.

ummm

2008-08-04T17:55:00.001+08:00

I'm lost and really clueless.

And I think my boss dislikes me.

=S

Now and always

2008-08-02T04:47:00.003+08:00

I just want you to know I'd walk through fire for you. No questions asked.

I know it seems like the whole world is pulling you down and I know its so hard for you right now..

But I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere.

And no matter how long it takes, I'm going to be right here to wipe your tears and hug you.

I'm going to be right here to catch you if you stumble and fall.

And I'm always going to love you for who you are.

Sisters for life. Fortunately.

=)

Money issues

2008-07-21T01:08:00.003+08:00

Now that I've got a job, I've been thinking about applying for Permanent Residency in Singapore. It sounds great since thats like...being HALF a citizen..but when I think of the financial effects, I dont really want to.

Since I'm only on a work permit currently, I am able to save a lot more money than I would if I had a CPF (The Singaporean version of the EPF) and the income tax to pay. This would mean that by the age of 26, I would have about SGD 33 000 saved. You do the math. Its a very appealing figure because that means I will be able to *at least in some small way* fund my own events business. My conservative mother would argue that I would have enough to pay for my own little wedding; she still refuses to believe me when I tell her I'm not getting married.

However, this figure dimishes significantly once I have my own CPF account and I have to pay income taxes. Try SGD 6000 in 5 years. Yes...Its a very depressing figure. You slave like a dog and thats ALL you have in your bank account.

So should I or should I not apply to be a Permanent Resident? It would make emigration a whole lot easier, I'll admit....BUT THINK OF ALL THAT MONEY! The faster I can get my business launched, the faster I can be my own boss and meet my own demands instead of having to live my working life by what my employer says and feels.

I have a year to think about this and then I have to decide. PR or work permit?

Which one, which one?

Whats a money minded, materialistic, individualistic bitch like me to do???

S.I.G.H.

Drama Central

2008-07-15T15:23:00.003+08:00

As usual, there always has to be some family conflict. I'm so tired of all the drama. It ruined my birthday weekend..which ironically, was also made better by FAMILY.

My favourite cousins arent speaking to me because of something they think my parents did wrong. So once again, because my uncle loves controversy, my parents and brother..and myself..are on the receiving end.

I was so angry with my cousins for punishing me..but after an hour of sensible thought, I realised that its my aunt and uncle I should be angry with.

I wont go into details because its really hurting. I've never felt this bad before...not even when I had to put up with my uncle insulting my parents over the span of 13 years. I've put up with the emotional abuse for long enough. He was never brave enough to say anything to my parents or brother...but always to me since I was younger and naive.

But after that one horrible phone call, I've decided that it will not go on anymore.

I'm done.

And this time I really mean it.

On a happier note, I HAVE A JOB!!! I start August 1st.

EXCITEMENT!!

My first!

2008-07-08T18:46:00.002+08:00

My very first interview has been scheduled for Thursday. My fingers are crossed! WHEE.

My list of the 10 hottest men

2008-07-06T22:38:00.015+08:00

Denise tagged me so this is MY list of the 10 hottest men! *drool*

The only person I'm going to tag is Iris. The rest of you may do this if you want to!

At number 10, we have Sean Paul. Do I really have to explain why, ladies??

At number 9, we have Daniel Radcliffe. So I like the boy wizard! Sue me.

At number 8, we have Jensen Ackles. I love him most in his role as Dean Winchester in Supernatural. I think he looks waaay better there than he does in Smallville.

At number 7, we have Jesse Hasek, lead singer of the band 10 Years. This isnt a very good picture of him...but its the best one I can find.

At number 6, GERARD BUTLER!!!! *drool* Why didnt I find this picture earlier? His body in 300....faint-worthy. I love it.

At number 5, Gary Dourdan. For those who cant place the face, he's CSI Warrick Brown from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. My only wish right now is that Warrick survives that gun shot to the neck which ended the last episode of CSI Season 9.

At number 4, Serj Tankian. Most recognize him as the lead singer of System of a Down...but he's also an activist, a semi vegetarian and is big on changing the world. Its not the looks that got me, its the brains under those curly locks of hair. If you need proof, just click on the link below to watch the Tavis Smiley PBS interview.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=jy6eingHcOs

At number 3, we've got Mr Bond aka Daniel Craig. Need I really say more?

At number 2, we have David Draiman, lead singer of the band Disturbed. If only he wasnt attached to someone else...

At number 1, SHIA LABEOUF. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd actually go crazy over that geeky boy from Even Stevens. But yes... Shia's my number one. =)

Mwahahah. IRIS, I WANT PICTURES TOO. AND DONT STEAL MINE!

2008-07-06T22:16:00.002+08:00

Has anyone ever mentioned how frustrating job hunting can really get? Well, it is. 21 applications and not a single response.

Its making me doubt myself and what I can do. Could it be my cover letter? Or perhaps my resume isnt interesting enough?

How does anyone gain experience if someone isnt willing to hire a simple, fresh grad?

Boo.

I'm going to keep trying anyway. There's nothing more to go back to now that the Lazarus' have all started fighting.

Pure childish behaviour on all sides. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. I know I am.

Job blues

2008-06-30T22:41:00.002+08:00

Looking for work really isnt as easy as its made out to be. And I've got 60 days to stay in Singapore and keep looking for work...or go home. I dont want to go home.

Twisted beauty

2008-06-21T04:53:00.006+08:00

A friend of mine today said that Liv Tyler looked FAT in The Incredible Hulk. I was at a total loss for words when I heard him say that. If she looked FAT, then what about two-thirds of the world's female population?

The whole concept of beauty is so skewed in today's time. Today, if you're not a size zero (yes, there actually is a size zero) then you're a whale and you shouldnt step out in public. Its disgusting that women are viewed as nothing more than sex objects. If you're pretty, then you qualify to be fuckable..And if you are a little unfortunate looking, then you're definitely an untouchable. When will people learn that beauty is not about how much makeup you can slap on your face or how much fashionable clothes you have? When will people learn that beauty is so much more than just a good haircut or flawless skin?

Or is superficial the new form of intelligence?

In all honesty, the faces you see on those glossy photoshopped magazines arent everything. Try hanging out around REAL women every once in a while. You'll find some really amazing women in the real world.

:::EDIT:::

Whatever happened to the whole "girl power" movement? Its hard to believe that there actually was a time when women wanted equality and independence! Have we gone back to the age of the neanderthal where a woman who wants independence and a high flying career is automatically labeled a lesbian?

But in truth, sometimes its we women who propagate this idea; if you are interested in money and career instead of a man, you're a lesbian. A friend just asked me where my love life stood the other day and I replied, merely saying that it was non-existent and I had other, more important things to worry about. She instantly asked if I was a lesbian.

Why? Just because I'd rather have a successful career and a real life? Just because I'd rather be single than shackled down with three kids, added responsibility and a mortgage? Or perhaps its because I think self-preservation is far better than potential heartbreak? Even better, maybe its just because I dont see the need to have a man by my side to dust the dirt of my knees and support me everytime I land on my ass? Or maybe, she thought of me as a lesbian because I dont entirely believe in someone from the opposite gender holding my hand and whispering sweet, sugary nothings in my ear?

Whatever.

Grow up already ladies. Having a man (or not) does NOT in any way define who you are or what you become.

Middle Earth frenzy

2008-06-13T23:11:00.003+08:00

I think I've bitten off more than I can chew with this very last assignment. I may have read Lord of the Rings a few hundred times in the past 7 years...but in no way did I ever take the time to analyze over 1000 pages of text for post modern values that will have no effect on my life whatsoever after the 22nd of June.

Ah well.

I am thinking of getting a tattoo for Christmas. I would love to get one for my 21st but my financial situation is rather awful at the moment. There have been so many bills to pay for and so many things to buy and do. Intertwining flowers perhaps?

I had better get cracking on my assignment if I dont want to miss the deadline.

SEVEN.DAYS.TO.FREEDOM.

Drumroll please...

2008-06-09T04:51:00.004+08:00

The job hunt has officially started. I've sent out nine applications to date and I am going to have to wait patiently for the days to slowly pass by. Most of the deadlines are somewhere in july. That gives me a little room to bum around more before I have to start a whole new chapter of my life.

I miss my girlfriends! Here's to hoping we all get to meet before my life becomes bogged down by work, work and more work.

Cheers!

Melancholic thoughts with the leading men of music

2008-05-31T13:12:00.003+08:00

I actually sat down today to make a list of all the things I want to do with my life before I die. This is a clue to tell you that I am bored out of my thick skull. We've finally set a date to move to JB. The house I currently live in when I come back to KL has been sold. I'm going to miss my bedroom. Its been my place of solace for many long years.

*~Now I'm alone
I'm looking out
I'm looking in
Way down, the lights are dimmer~*

I never fail to wonder how I'm going to strike a balance between doing all the things I want to do and all the things I have to do.

I need music that is slightly less melancholic. =)

Displeased with The Hobbit

2008-05-30T11:52:00.000+08:00

Its been a long week at home. There is so much drama going on about the wedding. Suffice it to say that I am not pleased and I dislike it all.

I read online today that Guillermo Del Toro and Peter Jackson are teaming up to make The Hobbit and another as-yet untitled Middle Earth related movie.

While I love the concept of making the untitled movie since its not an adaptation of any of Tolkien's published works, I do have a problem with The Hobbit. Guillermo Del Toro has an impressive resume under his belt with films like Cronos and Pan's Labyrinth but can he really recreate the magic that Peter Jackson first evoked when he made Fellowship of the Ring?

I also read that James McAvoy would probably be cast as Bilbo. This makes me want to scream. Bilbo is about 50 years of age when he sets out on his adventure in The Hobbit...and the first thing Gandalf notices about Bilbo in Fellowship of the Ring is the fact that BILBO HASNT AGED A DAY.

So WHY, I ask you, the need the cast James whats-his-face as a YOUNGER Bilbo? WHY WHY WHY wont Ian Holm be enough? Its silly I tell you.

For those of you who dont know who James McAvoy is, he's the one who played the Faun in The Chronicles of Narnia and as the young man who was accused of rape in Atonement.

It would be an utter shame to watch The Hobbit be ruined even if the content in it is far lighter than most of Tolkien's published works. However, the only option in this case is to wait to watch the film when it is released in 2010. After all, they've promised to be faithful to the book....and I am already shivering with delight at the thought of watching Bilbo and the 13 dwarves lose themselves in the damnation that is Mirkwood...and watching Bilbo play a game of riddles in the dark with Gollum.

Patiently I shall wait, precious.

The idiosyncrasy of BMCD10610A: The Sheepz

2008-05-23T18:20:00.007+08:00

As promised, these are just SOME of the pictures we took today. Lynnette was kind enough to send me the pictures! WOOOOOT.

Celebratory cake.

Attempts at art which turned out just fine.

BMCD10610A. Yen had everyone sign her OCU/Mass Comm t-shirt and she also brought the cake.

The women of BMCD10610A.

Inder, Spencer and Chris wanted to share their femininity too. Chris (in the green shirt) attempts to do his own Zoolander Blue Steel pose.

Spencer then wanted his own moment of glory.

Arby and me attempting to take what is known in our class to be an EMO shot. I am trying not to laugh honestly....

Namoti and I (with our many minions) at War of the Whiteboard Dusters & Markers while Wan Jin carries my half built crown for me.

One last shot before leaving.

I should post the OCU trip pictures one day. Just to show you how crazy we all got. =)

On the verge of freedom

2008-05-23T13:57:00.004+08:00

Two and a half years have officially come to a close. I've just come home from my very last day of class with BMCD10610A: The Sheepz.

And I'm already missing some of my classmates! I am now a lot more closer to finally becoming a graduate and being DONE with school permanently. Today's class was fun because we picked books to study for our final assignment. I picked Lord of the Rings simply because I am a Tolkien fanatic. In fact, my New Year's resolution was to read all of Tolkien's published works. I am going to start reading War of the Jewels soon. Just let me re-read Children of Hurin for the tenth time and I shall be all set to start reading the tales of Beren and Luthien! ;)

We ended class today with a lot of laughter, picture taking and cake! I didnt take all that many pictures because I didnt have my camera with me...but I did take two snapshots with my handphone. I promise, once I steal pictures from the other Sheepz, I shall post them here for public viewing!

One of the rare snapshots you will ever get with YL giving you a GENUINE big ass smile! Lesh is at the back attempting to steal something!

These are the very first words Spencer spoke to me when we first met and its nice to see that he still remembers! His exact words were "You're Hazel, I'm Cashew. We're both nuts."

This is my lecturer, Mark Griffin. One of the nicest men alive. He never yells or screams or throws a temper. If we're late, he just couldnt give a damn....and he's also one of the most laidback guys we've had teach us so far.

This is just some random shot I took with Nuraini when I met her the other day for another bad Malaysian horror movie (Congkak). This woman is crazy, FYI.

Although I am pretty damn sure I wont miss college life, I can assuredly tell you that I am going to miss my classmates!

So here's to Namoti, Cheryl, Wan Jin, Christine, Arby, Moreen, Terence, Spencer, Braden, YL, Inder, Lesh, Dom, Bert, Di and Liz.

You've each changed my life in crazy ways and I wouldnt have it any other way! ;)

Now to hunt down the Sheepz on Facebook. Oh...the torture I must endure just to get some pictures! *weeps*

Cubic zirconia replacements

2008-05-17T17:50:00.005+08:00

Class today was fun. We got to watch Sense and Sensibility. When it was first released, I wrote it off as another cheesy attempt at reviving a point of time that was long past...but it was really quite a good movie. The girls kept gushing at the handsome men. I didnt see the appeal so I spent some time drawing on YL's arm. He now claims to understand why people love getting tattoos and now wants one himself. All I actually did was paw away at his arm in order to get a proper angle so that I could draw properly. If the arm grabbing is what made tattoos so endearing...well okay I guess.

Lunched with Cheryl at New York New York before we lost ourselves in a day of shopping. I am excited for Wednesday because we're doing a back to back movie thing. Indy Jones after class *oh Shia my love* and then we're going to catch that Malaysian horror movie called Congkak. I like watching horror movies! Even the crappiest ones can seriously scare me. Thats how big of a chicken I really am. BUT STILL I choose to watch these horror movies and then spend my nights looking at nothing but the floor because I dont want to see otherwordly things staring back at me.

I bought myself a cubic zirconia ring today. Since I cannot yet afford the cheapest of the real thing, I shall humour my diamond cravings with cubic zirconia first. Wouldnt it be nice to have enough moolah to just spend on the shiny things that capture a woman's heart so? My mother finds it funny because she says I'm drawn like an insect to a fluorescent tube light whenever I see diamond jewelry. I always reject this statement of hers but deep down, I smile secretly because its true.

On a more serious note, I mailed out my resume today to a job I've been wanting for a long time now. Here's to hoping I get called back for a voice test soon. I do want it so. Wouldnt it be nice to have Casual Friday, EVERYDAY? Yes. I want. Besides, its got a lot of perks. Perks that someone like me think are wonderful. *crosses fingers*

Oh well. Lets just wait and see.

*~The ignorant fibbers in the congregation
Gather around spewing sympathy
Spare me~*

2008-05-14T13:53:00.005+08:00

I skipped class because I was feeling ill and I didnt want to trudge along like a sorry sob in the pouring rain. So while it rained like there was no tomorrow, I slept my nausea and fever away with Orestes playing in my head.

I've decided to spend the remainder of the day in a more productive manner. Yes, I've decided to sit down and do some serious job hunting! If I never start now, I'll never get a job by Christmas this year...and that will never do. The job market in Singapore is highly competitive and I have to start looking soon. My student pass expires in about four weeks. Its quite thrilling...but its the interview segments I fear. Thats my biggest worry.

I realise that there are TONS of jobs available...but there are also tons of fresh graduates like me looking for a half decent job that pays enough so that we can pay the bills, put food on the dinner tables of our parents, feed and clothe ourselves and still have enough to go out and party the night away with a decent flock of friends. Or at least still have enough to spend on a chocolate muffin at the end of a long and tiring day.

It wont stop raining and I cant go out to get lunch. The weather is such a (insert random word of choice here).

Anywayz, back to job hunting. I am going to send out as many resumes as I can by the end of this week. Lets just see what happens.

Maynard, Voltaire and the uncultured mind

2008-05-13T01:32:00.003+08:00

I am finally on my last module before graduation! Not once did I actually picture this moment when I first signed the contract. Now there's this whole new adventure (I say adventure for lack of a better word) that I'm going to get to experience.

Its more terrifying than exciting at times. There's always a little bit of self-doubt lurking somewhere in the deepest, darkest corners of your mind. For me, its always a fear of never being good enough. Do not ask me where this fear comes from because I still have no clue myself. Its annoying really. Ah well, fear or not, I still have to go out into the working world. I still have to find a job..because if I dont, the people that are depending on me to put food on the table and a roof over their heads will starve and be left to rot in the streets.

Then there is also the currently-untouched list of "Things to do before I kick the bucket". Ibiza is located somewhere along the list...at number 143 methinks....but that is a story for another time.

*******

A Perfect Circle's Orestes has been playing non-stop since Miss Mafia sent it over. The wonders of file sharing. WHEE.

Out of the entire Mer De Noms album, Orestes is the only one I can really relate to. Maynard's talk of severing and clearing away umbilical residue is one that permanently resides in my head. Wouldn't that be the best thing ever? Ah well, severing and clearing away anything at this point of time just has wait. I dont have time for it.

Class starts at 9 am...its past midnight and here I am...pondering the inner workings of Serj Tankian's mind and attempting to put my scattered thoughts into a half-decent post.

Philosophy is the subject matter for my final module.

Hazel Joanne and the writings of Voltaire.

Does it sound like its going to work?